late night musings

It took us 11 hours to make the 5.5 hour trip. There was snow, freezing rain and ice. It was dark. We sat in traffic for 3 hours, at a dead stand still, no less. It was miserable. The worst conditions I have ever driven in. we arrived safely, though. What was the cause of this trip? Backpacking. Backpacking in sub freezing temperatures. walking up mountains through the ice and snow on the ground. Over emphasizing routine movements solely for the purpose of warmth. Quickening your pace so that your feet move faster and bend more all in an attempt to try to get the blood flowing through them again.

Looking back my emotions are quite unclear. It seemed crazy at the time. ‘what are we doing?’, ‘we are going to freeze’, ‘this can’t be worth it’. These thoughts running through my mind, yet I had a smile on my face. I was loving every minute. Because on this sacred trail, the AT, it is almost impossible not to have a good time, regardless the circumstances.

The things we will do for the loves of our lives. I’m sure I would have been miserable if I was doing almost anything else, but I was backpacking. I was in my element. I feel this is the case with most things in life. It’s all about perspective. Perception.

I scold myself for not being more content in other areas of my life as I am when I am in the great outdoors. Because the truth is, I am happiest when I am walking in the middle of nowhere with everything I need strapped to my back.

Why then do I ‘need’ so much in other areas of loves in my life? My love of my DVD collection is something that I cherish and is something that I pride myself on because of its breadth and relevance to film culture. My love of my music collection, the same. I feel ashamed of them at times, though. I try to convince myself that these are relevant to my development as a designer and as a patron of the arts. That they teach me something greater about myself and about humanity that I may one day use to reach this society that I watch and learn about. Do I need these 1,000’s of dollars worth of DVD’s and CD’s to do this when I feel I can gain the same from the outdoors, which is free?

I also surround myself with books, with knowledge. I tend to start 2 or 3 books at the same time, losing myself in them. Absorbing all that I can from their pages to be better prepared. To be more knowledgeable of the classics and of modern literature and journalism.

Is this real? I almost feel that I try to live vicariously through different media, ignoring the real issues in my own life. It is too easy for me to get wrapped up in a story than have to deal with the feelings and issues that are pressing on me. To ignore them, to make them go away. Hoping they will be taken care of as I am far off in another world.

And it is in this world that things become blurred. The reality of everything that is my life seems to become intertwined with what is not real. The decisions that I make in the real world seem to have little consequence sometimes because I feel that they are not real.

I know this is not the case, though. My dualism saddens me. I know that everything I am living and the choices I am making do have an impact on something greater than the realization of their insignificance. My awareness of the world is great. My travels have revealed this to me. Why do I not live it then? Why are my convictions not stronger? I don’t know I can answer that. Except attributing it to the fact that I do not believe it is true.

My mindset is contradictory to these to these statements, though. I am an idealist. And I have a vivid imagination concerning the way things should be. But, I know things will never live up to the picture I have created. Especially if i just sit back and wish them into existence as I am off in another world.

I do not feel these things are necessarily bad, though. it is only in their mutual exclusion that they become dangerous. i strive to reach that place where the two intersect. Where the two become one. Where there is no longer a distinction between my perceptions of actions as being inconsequential. Everything is influencing everything else. There is nothing that is not real. Learn to live real. Learn to live truth.